I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
