a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
