I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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