I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize