last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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