I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
