I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
