so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
