TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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