i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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