why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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