I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize