Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
