im six kinds of drunk right now
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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