my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
