I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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