Pass out mid-funnel last night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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