i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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