ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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