yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
my liver is dry heaving
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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