Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
