I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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