Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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