so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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