can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
