sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
