I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
