You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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