Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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