Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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