If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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