Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
