There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
