I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
