too bad you live with your parents still
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
