We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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