I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
