Whatcha textin bout Willis?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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