Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
