she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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