Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize