if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
