you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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