remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
