New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Less talking, more tequila
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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