Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
