i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
