tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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