the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just blew my weed a kiss
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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