plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just want nice things and good sex
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If I die, sorry about rent.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
