thus making me awesome and them whores
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Randomize
