She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
