i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
