Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
