I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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