Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
