Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
