i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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