My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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