She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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