I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
