It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
