Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
