oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we're making bets on your personal life
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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